“You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.”
Flemmingway has rightly said it!
To steer clear of unpleasant occurrences many a time what we do is just running away from our ‘self ’. But the accomplishment is kilometres and kilometres far. I am a live paradigm of such an incident.
It was a time when my days stayed away from my sleep or sleep alienated me from its proximity. A sort of gloom and grief had shaded my heart, as the day was nearing. So my legs used to resume their perpendicular position even before the day break at that time. And so also that day I was on my feet, which carried me to the morning routines. Then my feet led me to a corner of the verandah outside.
“What happened to the hyper-active squirrel jumping up and down from bough to branch? Is he expressing his camaraderie with me? He is sitting quite on a twig now. O, here comes a tiny sparrow. Without disturbing the former of his penance, she silently takes her seat on another branch. Reading my mind or so she also slips into a silence. The leaves also stand stooping as if they can’t be delightful at that unpleasant presence of mine. The sky is with mopes on its visage to shed tears as if it reads my mind”. My dismal thoughts went on circling the vicinity.
That day was my forty fourth birthday ‘Happy Birthday’ in kids’ words. I didn’t know the day would be happy or not. The anguish and anxiety didn’t leave me not for a moment even.
The oddness of that birthday only detached Chandrika from me. Chandrika, the name had been once engraved on a gold plate and kept safe in my mind, on the most accessible shelf. She was creeping slowly to my heart. With the aid of the great Time I had covered her behind a curtain of forgetfulness. This curtain sometimes got blown away by the memory gale, revealing very well that very visage. Yes, Chandrika, no ferocious force could separate her from me. She too housed the same belief in her.
It was not as durable as expected. My horoscope had loomed with a villainy in it. The prognostication of it marked a full stop to our being together. It said that the forty fourth birthday might prove fatal for me. It questioned my existence on this globe. Chandrika’s father pondered over it and believed it would become a reality. She was not a harpy. With melancholy-stricken heart only she turned her face away from me. She couldn’t help retrieving it. Chandrika didn’t have the guts to elope, nor did I.
I strove hard for a solace and ran away from home and ‘me’ also. For a placid place I approached the Deity, our savior in sorrow. I unloaded all the sadness there. Again for a place of peace I rummaged hither-thither and everywhere for a long time. Temples, touring zones, lone areas and even penniless peoples’ havens tried to mend my bleeding heart. Nothing could bandage the wound within. Somewhere the stay was dangerous as well. I had fallen prey to burglary once or twice. “When you start to live outside yourself, it’s all dangerous”.
One fine day somehow a sensible sense aroused as a glimpse in me. It rebuked me, advised me and pleaded with me, “What are you doing? Can you run away from yourself? You are vacillating between hope and fear and oscillating from place to place. Go back to your kith and kin for they may be in utter gloom now. Perhaps glory you can pick from them.”
So my body abided by my mind eventually witnessed the dawn of console in my own land. I slowly recognized that ‘Blood is thicker than water’. My recurring denials for nuptial procedures disappeared unattended by elders. Nalini walked in to my life as a cute flower with sweet fragrance. Nalini’s father an agnostic readily granted the agreement for our wedding. Nalini spread her perfume all around. Her presence provided our folks with pleasure.
The sobre sound of Nalini to the present, brought me back. She was stirring her tounge with some topics not pertaining to the hinterland. That she used only to test and soothe me indirectly. The day was escalated with a pompous feast. All the countenances were smiling with shrouded anguish. I too brought about commonness in my body language and exhibited a synthetic elation.
Hours of darkness had opened its black umbrella over mother Earth. Ho! My mind lit a small torch of gladness. Nalini was still carrying the load of gloom. At the strikes of twelve by the clock, a sigh of relief bounded from Nalini.
She said, “I was afraid about the prediction in the horoscope. Amma (mother) said they had not disclosed that to you. Achchan(father) had kept the horoscope away from your view. My father knew it and informed me also about it.”
“What horoscope! Nonsense.The horrible item says today is my last day. Rubbish, I don’t believe in such things.”I boasted well being fully conversant about the time.
“Now things attained a delightful end. Let us sleep now,” both of us uttered together.
Today is my forty fifth birthday. A wrong prediction had eaten away the tranquil of our shelter. While turning back, the mind passes a snigger on us.
Take only the affirmatives for granted and chase away the negatives.