“You can’t get away
from yourself by moving from one place to another.”
Flemmingway has
rightly said it!
To steer clear of
unpleasant occurrences many a time what we do is just running away from our
‘self ’. But the accomplishment is kilometres and kilometres far. I am a live
paradigm of such an incident.
It
was a time when my days stayed away from my sleep or sleep alienated me from
its proximity. A sort of gloom and grief had shaded my heart, as the day was
nearing. So my legs used to resume their perpendicular position even before the
day break at that time. And so also that day I was on my feet, which carried me
to the morning routines. Then my feet led me to a corner of the verandah
outside.
“What
happened to the hyper-active squirrel jumping up and down from bough to branch?
Is he expressing his camaraderie with me? He is sitting quite on a twig now. O,
here comes a tiny sparrow. Without
disturbing the former of his penance, she silently takes her seat on another
branch. Reading my mind or so she also slips into a silence. The leaves also
stand stooping as if they can’t be delightful at that unpleasant presence of
mine. The sky is with mopes on its visage to shed tears as if it reads my mind”.
My dismal thoughts went on circling the vicinity.
That
day was my forty fourth birthday ‘Happy Birthday’ in kids’ words. I didn’t know
the day would be happy or not. The
anguish and anxiety didn’t leave me not for a moment even.
The
oddness of that birthday only detached Chandrika from me. Chandrika, the name had been once engraved on a gold plate and
kept safe in my mind, on the most accessible shelf. She was creeping slowly to
my heart. With the aid of the great Time I had covered her behind a curtain of
forgetfulness. This curtain sometimes got blown away by the memory gale,
revealing very well that very visage. Yes, Chandrika, no ferocious force could
separate her from me. She too housed the same belief in her.
It
was not as durable as expected. My horoscope had loomed with a villainy in it. The
prognostication of it marked a full stop to our being together. It said that
the forty fourth birthday might prove fatal for me. It questioned my existence
on this globe. Chandrika’s father pondered over it and believed it would become
a reality. She was not a harpy. With melancholy-stricken heart only she turned
her face away from me. She couldn’t help retrieving it. Chandrika didn’t have
the guts to elope, nor did I.
I strove hard for a solace and ran away from home and ‘me’
also. For a placid place I approached
the Deity, our savior in sorrow. I unloaded all the sadness there. Again for a
place of peace I rummaged hither-thither and everywhere for a long time. Temples,
touring zones, lone areas and even penniless peoples’ havens tried to mend my
bleeding heart. Nothing could bandage the wound within. Somewhere the stay was
dangerous as well. I had fallen prey to burglary once or twice. “When you start
to live outside yourself, it’s all dangerous”.
One fine day somehow a sensible sense aroused as a glimpse in me.
It rebuked me, advised me and pleaded with me, “What are you doing? Can you run
away from yourself? You are vacillating between hope and fear and oscillating
from place to place. Go back to your kith and kin for they may be in utter
gloom now. Perhaps glory you can pick from them.”
So my body abided by my mind eventually witnessed the
dawn of console in my own land. I slowly recognized that ‘Blood is thicker than
water’. My recurring denials for nuptial procedures disappeared unattended by
elders. Nalini walked in to my life as a
cute flower with sweet fragrance. Nalini’s father an agnostic readily granted
the agreement for our wedding. Nalini spread her perfume all around. Her
presence provided our folks with pleasure.
The sobre sound
of Nalini to the present, brought me back. She was stirring her tounge with
some topics not pertaining to the hinterland. That she used only to test and soothe
me indirectly. The day was escalated with a pompous feast. All the countenances were smiling with shrouded
anguish. I too brought about commonness in my body language and exhibited a
synthetic elation.
Hours
of darkness had opened its black umbrella over mother Earth. Ho! My mind lit a
small torch of gladness. Nalini was still carrying the load of gloom. At the
strikes of twelve by the clock, a sigh of relief bounded from Nalini.
She said, “I was afraid about the prediction
in the horoscope. Amma (mother) said they had not disclosed that to you.
Achchan(father) had kept the horoscope away from your view. My father knew it
and informed me also about it.”
“What
horoscope! Nonsense.The horrible item says today is my last day. Rubbish, I
don’t believe in such things.”I boasted well being fully conversant about the
time.
“Now
things attained a delightful end. Let us sleep now,” both of us uttered together.
Today
is my forty fifth birthday. A wrong prediction had eaten away the tranquil of our
shelter. While turning back, the mind passes a snigger on us.
Take
only the affirmatives for granted and chase away the negatives.
